It was getting more awkward each day. Friend, colleague, life partner? Saying 'Good morning' to her always popped the question in my mind. And I couldn't really decide for myself. I wanted to get close to her, simultaneously maintaining workplace boundaries. I had read in books that love at workplace is a bad, bad idea!
Next Monday, some admin guy came to my desk and said that they are shifting my desk to a new position. They shifted it right next to her. Now I didn't have to peek above that stupid desk-divider-wall. I was happy with this change. We even got a shared office-telephone. It happened once that I was busy reading some shit on reuters.com (apparently that's the only decent website which is not yet blocked by our office authorities), and the phone rang for 10 seconds or so. I knew it wasn't for me as it's just been a month since I joined the organization and nobody really called me. That irritating, good for nothing telephone was now getting to my nerves. I had to pick it up. The person on the other side asked for a random name, I don't really remember now. I got so irritated that, without even letting the other guy finish his sentence, I announced, 'No. She's not here.' I knew, the call was meant to be for her, and so did she. After 15 minutes of dead silence, she asked, 'Do you know my name? It's Amy.' Awesome! Now I knew her name. (The point here being, she didn't say, hey hi there, I am Amy. Instead she said it the other way, in a kind of bossier way. In later days, I found her more friendly than bossy.)
I didn't have anyone to talk to, except her as I was the new guy in the organization. I hated it. Adjusting to a new place, when people around you were not so friendly, rather supportive. Its like everyone I came across in the cages they bought. Though it was killing me inside, I didn't let it get it on my mind. It was someone's birthday in my bay (that's what they call it), and everyone was going to canteen to celebrate it. I wasn't. 'Hey, it's Mounil's birthday. Why don't ya join us. It'll be fun', Amy said to me . It was relieving and I felt happy that someone noticed, knew I was there in their bay too.
Days passed and we were talking more often than ever. I must have misunderstood this part, but still took the next step. Asking a girl out for coffee. It was the evening tea/coffee time so I asked as casually as I could, as if it was just out of the boredom. 'Do you wanna grab some coffee in canteen?'. Canteen? Mistake! She said she would love to but she was busy. I figured out it was just a big, fat NO said a very non-offensive way. Doesn't matter, I said to myself.
Though I doubted if she is committed to someone else, I really never cared about it. (I believe in a perfectly competitive world.) From initial experience with her, I had made a perception about her being jolly and stuff. But it turned me off to see her not take part in team games, which were usually held on Friday. May be as a part of their Feel-Good initiative by the HR.
We talked about other people in the company, movies, shopping, hangout places, music, books. Making an eye contact with her is what I used to love. I pined for her. Things were good if not great. She even gave me her cell number without me asking for it. Big achievement, as I see it. I was getting a bit serious now. Next day, she invited me to have breakfast with her. I declined, making a lame excuse.
The following Monday brought a bad news. Team-wise relocation was taking place and they were going to shift her desk. I begged her to stay at her current desk itself, but there wasn't much she could do about it. I was just praying if the admin guys just forgot to move her desk. She seemed resilient about this change.
Small talks had become rare now. But the final nail in the coffin was yet to be hit. Yesterday, I saw her with a guy from our office only. She saw that I saw her. Our eyes met. Though it left my heart to pieces, I managed to give her half a smile. It was pretty sure from their comfort level that they were going out. Like a slap in my face. It was coming back to me, all those pieces of the memories. Suddenly, I hated her, I don't know why. May be it's like that, if the girl you like is with someone else, you curse her for no substantial reason.
Now I had no reason to that bloody office. But my friends somehow kept me going. I still see her sometimes. An awkward eye contact! But always, either of us quickly turn eyes and pretend nothing happened. Feels like, Ouch! That hurt!
