The Girl At My Office

It was getting more awkward each day. Friend, colleague, life partner? Saying 'Good morning' to her always popped the question in my mind. And I couldn't really decide for myself. I wanted to get close to her, simultaneously maintaining workplace boundaries. I had read in books that love at workplace is a bad, bad idea!

Next Monday, some admin guy came to my desk and said that they are shifting my desk to a new position. They shifted it right next to her. Now I didn't have to peek above that stupid desk-divider-wall. I was happy with this change. We even got a shared office-telephone. It happened once that I was busy reading some shit on reuters.com (apparently that's the only decent website which is not yet blocked by our office authorities), and the phone rang for 10 seconds or so. I knew it wasn't for me as it's just been a month since I joined the organization and nobody really called me. That irritating, good for nothing telephone was now getting to my nerves. I had to pick it up. The person on the other side asked for a random name, I don't really remember now. I got so irritated that, without even letting the other guy finish his sentence, I announced, 'No. She's not here.' I knew, the call was meant to be for her, and so did she. After 15 minutes of dead silence, she asked, 'Do you know my name? It's Amy.' Awesome! Now I knew her name. (The point here being, she didn't say, hey hi there, I am Amy. Instead she said it the other way, in a kind of bossier way. In later days, I found her more friendly than bossy.) 

I didn't have anyone to talk to, except her as I was the new guy in the organization. I hated it. Adjusting to a new place, when people around you were not so friendly, rather supportive. Its like everyone I  came across in the cages they bought. Though it was killing me inside, I didn't let it get it on my mind. It was someone's birthday in my bay (that's what they call it), and everyone was going to canteen to celebrate it. I wasn't. 'Hey, it's Mounil's birthday. Why don't ya join us. It'll be fun', Amy said to me  . It was relieving and I felt happy that someone noticed, knew I was there in their bay too.

Days passed and we were talking more often than ever. I must have misunderstood this part, but still took the next step. Asking a girl out for coffee. It was the evening tea/coffee time so I asked as casually as I could, as if it was just out of the boredom. 'Do you wanna grab some coffee in canteen?'. Canteen? Mistake! She said she would love to but she was busy.  I figured out it was just a big, fat NO said a very non-offensive way. Doesn't matter, I said to myself.

Though I doubted if she is committed to someone else, I really never cared about it. (I believe in a perfectly competitive world.) From initial experience with her, I had made a perception about her being jolly and stuff. But it turned me off to see her not take part in team games, which were usually held on Friday. May be as a part of their Feel-Good initiative by the HR.

We talked about other people in the company, movies, shopping, hangout places, music, books. Making an eye contact with her is what I used to love. I pined for her. Things were good if not great. She even gave me her cell number without me asking for it. Big achievement, as I see it. I was getting a bit serious now. Next day, she invited me to have breakfast with her. I declined, making a lame excuse.

The following Monday brought a bad news. Team-wise relocation was taking place and they were going to shift her desk. I begged her to stay at her current desk itself, but there wasn't much she could do about it. I was just praying if the admin guys just forgot to move her desk. She seemed resilient about this change.

Small talks had become rare now. But the final nail in the coffin was yet to be hit. Yesterday, I saw her with a guy from our office only. She saw that I saw her. Our eyes met. Though it left my heart to pieces, I managed to give her half a smile. It was pretty sure from their comfort level that they were going out. Like a slap in my face. It was coming back to me, all those pieces of the memories. Suddenly, I hated her, I don't know why. May be it's like that, if the girl you like is with someone else, you curse her for no substantial reason.

Now I had no reason to that bloody office. But my friends somehow kept me going. I still see her sometimes. An awkward eye contact! But always, either of us quickly turn eyes and pretend nothing happened. Feels like, Ouch! That hurt!

Experiencing Chennai

     It's been two weeks since I moved to Chennai. This phase of "exploring city" is more like a new marriage. You are enthusiastic and open to new ideas. I have been roaming in prominent parts of the city, trying to absorb as much as I could. The city seems good. Big and beautiful, blessed with a long coastline. Some of my friends would completely disagree saying that, it's a shitty place. I mean, if you have this pre-determined notion in  mind about a place, howsoever beautiful a place might be, it's gonna look shitty to you. And I don't blame them, it's just human nature.

Chennai Central

     Chennai is more like Russia. They don't speak English (or Hindi for that matter), taxis are a scam, and they talk of communism all the time. The people have helping nature nonetheless. A few days ago, I had to go Marina beach and I was asking a passerby for directions. He didn't understand Hindi or English. He might have just picked the word 'Marina' and figured that I wanted to go there. And of course he know that I don't know Tamil, still he is explaining me in Tamil. I mean it's not his fault or I am not undervaluing his help or anything like that. I was just staring at him while he was talking. He was talking with so much dedication, so much efforts that I had to nod my head in approval, as if I understood every single word. After ten steps, I asked someone, who could speak Hindi, for helping me out. One more incident. I was going to my place in Kazhipattur by bus and I pronounced it as what it sounds. And then this bus-conductor tells me its Kaipattur not Kazhipattur, making me repeat till I get it right.

     The language barrier. For the first time in my life, I felt diversity as an issue. Imagine entire India speaking the same language, there would have been no IPL. Jokes apart, we really need to think over this "issue".

     Till now, I had this thought that only Ahmadabad is something that could be called as the city of malls. But Chennai is giving it tough competition. Spencer's and Express Avenue are really something (And perhaps the only places to spot some hot chicks). One shouldn't miss them on his Chennai trip. Four floors of pure awe each. Marina beach, Basy beach, Broken Bridge are some other places to see. I had heard a lot about Marina Beach but when I witnessed for myself, it was just another beach full of people.

     I am still exploring new places in Chennai. The thing I noticed about myself and my friend Madhu is that we wouldn't go to certain kind of places, howsoever good they are. Like museums or zoos or art galleries. Turns out, we are missing something in our lives.

Meeting Madhu

     I was summing up my courage to taste the Rajma at hostel 3 mess, on my very first day of the college. There was this guy sitting opposite to me on the same table, with a stud in his left ear, a clean shave, a tucked in formal shirt, a soda bottle glass thick spectacle and  underneath them, a pair of fierce eyes. It all seemed very contradictory to me. Like the one they show in movies, a gunda getting dressed so well that he looks like a manager at a bank. But I kept my opinions to myself  as I thought he was a senior guy and staring at him would only lead to me getting ragged. In the later days, Madhu told me that he though I was a senior guy and hesitated to talk to me. Years later, when we look back to that day, we laugh our lungs out.

     It so happened one day that I had a big fight with some rowdy guy in college. And when it eventually came down to settling down physically, Madhu stepped in. The more important thing is that he never asked me what was it all about? Not by a single word. And that's what I like about him. Or how he used to curse the professor when he got more marks than me despite copying from myself. Funny! 

     Most times, it used to come down to just two of us up for a thing. Like watching movies in exam times, playing pool while others were busy doing assignments. He used to be friendly with most of colleagues and I hated most. I believe it's the academic trouble that brought us together.

     One more insignificant but memorable incident. We were coming back to hostel in Madhu's car when someone bumped it from behind, on a red signal. Without saying a word, both of us got down, ready to kick some. Thankfully, there wasn't any damage and so we let it go. The point is we had such strong communication between us that we didn't need words. And I am sure that he doesn't remember this. 
     
     Madhu had been a great friend till date and I hope we remain.    

Gaga Saga

Gaga: a slang for insanity.

Gaga: a slang for obsession.

Gaga: a dancing technique for the regular.
 

No wonder, Lady Gaga has symbolized the three in recent years. A fabulous stage name, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, I must complement. She has launched three studio albums, featured in two tours, won 5 Grammies and literally a hundred other awards; she just doesn't seem to stop. Be it the crazy costumes, weird hairstyles, pop rhythms or the dancing, she has left a print everywhere.

I did not listen to much of pop before Gaga. I have a theory about pop music. It sounds good in mere two places: in a pub and in the backseat of my car. But there's something different about Lady Gaga's songs. Each song is as revolutionary and artistic. Pick up a line from any of the songs and it has some deep meaning attached to it, just like Jim's poetry. Love it.

I really hate it when the media portraits her negatively or when people make comments on dressing style or behavior. Only after watching her interview on VH1, I realised that beneath all the mascara, it's a very sensitive soul in there, trying to break free, trying to show the world what she feels, trying to display her love for art through music, make-up, dance and more. It amazes me when she does experimenting with dresses. The police ribbon costume is my favorite one.

It looks like to me as if she needs fame to survive. As if she can't live without million eyes staring at her, a thousand lips humming her tune, hundreds dressing up just as weirdly. Her first two albums named as The Fame and The Fame Monster. She does remind me of Jim. But I think of all this fame thing as only natural.

Everyone's been talking about her latest single Born This Way and why shouldn't one? She's indeed a genius. She surely picked up some good things at Tisch. May be she wants co transform one's inferiority complex into attitude and pride. 'Fuck the world, this is how I am' attitude. What all those Yes, Yes+ people couldn't do it, she did it just with a song. The world is thankful to her for that. Some might think of this video as viral , anti-cultural or even disgusting; but for her fans it's seven minutes of pure pleasure.

Don't you get it? Lady Gaga taught us to love ourselves, howsoever we are. Even the Gleeks made a version.

My First Afghani Friend

It was a lonely road. The midnight cold breeze, a flickering street light, distant sound of dogs barking made the stroll only more enjoyable. It was silent. As silent as it could get. We were heading towards the main gate of the campus. An auto-rikshaw approached us but it  left us disappointed when we found out that it was already taken. But we still took our chances and stopped it. There was a boy, our age, sitting alone in the corner seat. It was dark and I couldn't see his face properly, so I did not make an opinion about him. 

'Dude, can we share auto till Sindhi Camp? We have to catch a bus.', I asked hesitatingly, while Dodo was looking at sky as if he had no hopes to get a ride.

'Sure! Hopp in.' It brought instant smiles to our faces. We did. 

'Ketan. Final year mech', I said, approaching him for a handshake. 

'Dodo. Same.', Dodo said, bringing an artificial, forged smile.

'Hi! Lativ. Second year civil engineering. Where are you guys headed anyways?' He was talking in a very slow and broken accent. At the same time, his voice seemed full of pride and respect. It hit me that he must be from Afghanistan. I knew that they had some kind of scholarship programme for Afghani students in our college. There were a few in our batch too but I never went their way.

'Delhi', we said in union. 'We'll take a bus to Delhi from Sindhi Camp...'. He didn't let me complete. 

'That makes us friends till Delhi', he said in excitement. 

That last line made me like him instantly. All three laughed healthily. We didn't speak a word for the rest of journey in that old, noisy, annoying auto-rikshaw. We retired at Sindhi Camp just to find out that the last Volvo bus to Delhi was already full. Shit! We turned to other private buses; but no luck. 

'Weird. There are buses to Delhi every 15 minutes. What is it today? WTF day or something?' I said getting a little frustrated. 

'Guys, I can't afford to get late. I have a flight tomorrow, to Afghanistan, at 11. It's gonna cost me a lot if I miss it.' Lativ said in a serious tone. 

'Don't worry Lativ, we'll get you there...on time.' Dodo said promisingly,  putting his right hand on Lativ's shoulder. 

Without wasting a second, we turned to most ordinary government buses. These were the cheapest, dirtiest and most dangerous buses one could get. There was a long queue. I stood in line like a good boy, while Dodo and Lativ were trying their luck to get a cut in the queue. Lativ got one. When he reached the ticket counter, he asked for three tickets to Delhi. There were only two available in that bus. (It surely was WTF day that day.) Lativ was in confusion again. He couldn't decide weather to take it or wait for the next bus. 

'You go ahead. Me and Ketan will catch the next bus. dont worry about it.' Dodo told him. Standing a little behind them, clueless, I could only guess what could be the matter. Both returned with long faces. 

'They had only two left. I said Lativ should take it as he has a flight to catch.' Righteous thing as it seemed to me.

We helped Lativ to put his luggage and bought few food items for him. He seemed awkward. To be sorry or to be thankful. We hugged and said good bye. We got another bus half an hour later. It felt good. Good to have a stranger as friend for such a short time!

Composed!

It was a sunny day and I had to go to Thane. It's been years since I had gone there. I discovered that they had implemented a crazy system of queue, outside the railway station for hiring auto rickshaws. It got to my nerves  to see almost half a kilometre long queue ahead of me. The only thing good about it was its fast moving pace. Within a minute or two I had come halfway through.

Meanwhile, I was noticing an old lady, wearing a typical Maharashtrian attire, in her late sixties, already passed through the bottleneck of the queue. She was holding a marriage card in her hand. May be that's where she was going. When her turn came, she showed autowala the card. I guess she did not know the venue herself. Without taking a deep glance, the autowala nodded in  denial.  Determined, she then proceeded to next auto with the card in her hand, where she got the same response.  And then it was a trend. Until a lady constable came and helped her. It was clear that she couldn't keep up with the pace of the system.
 

All this time, the lady never lost her calm; Neither the smile on her face.  I would have started yelling at people by this time, if I were in her place. It was eating my mind. How can a person stay so composed? What is it? The enthusiasm of going to an unknown place. Or celebrations of someone beloved's marriage. Or may it's just her. Her nature to smile. May be I'll never figure it out. 

I just want god to keep her smiling.....Always!

Killer Insticts

They say, by the age of 18, everybody has found a person who will love him for the rest of his life. I say, by the age of 18, everybody has found at least five persons whom he wants to kill brutally.  For Ketan, it was every single asshole he came across. He had this notion - if you can't remove bad things from this world, just remove the bad people. He hated people, most of the people. He reminds me of Christian Bale from American Psycho.

Lately, he had literally started planning murders of his enemies in his mind. He once said,'Killing them virtually, in my mind, in my dreams, alone gives me so much pleasure; imagine when it would happen for real', giving a dark, wicked smile. It sounded like a psycho killer who always had the last laugh. It scared shit out of us. But deep down, we always knew that he was just joking, just enjoying the strange looks on our faces.

Killing fantasies

He always said that he wanted to be an assassin, say like Hitman. He wished to open a secret organization that would do political assassinations for money. I think he took the movie more seriously than everyone else. I remember, we used to have a good laugh whenever he used to tell us about this. I even said,'Hey, may be I should join this thing. We would kill people, together. We would be rich players.' Real bullshit. It still brings a smile on my face.

And just for the record my friends, he hasn't killed anybody till date.

Identifying a Pure Heart

We were three. Wandering on the streets of Delhi. The city flooded with filth. While some are living the dream, others live like rats. But I never thought about it at that time.

Scrolling up the staircase towards the metro station, we were lost in the conversation. It was me, Dodo and Adi. I paid hardly any attention to passing faces. Just then an elderly man, carrying two big, heavy bags, fumbled, just a couple of steps ahead of us. He regained balance. Tired and soaked by the sun, he put down the bags. He was too ordinary to gasp our attention otherwise. Mine or Dodo's especially.

I was so engrossed in talking that I didn't even give him any look. But only Adi saw exactly what all should have seen. He swiftly went up to the old man and offered him help. The old man denied him out of dignity. Adi joined us back in our talk. It happened so quickly that I didn't even take a pause in my verbal shit. Avoiding eye contact, giving indifferent looks, Adi pretended as if nothing happened. He kept walking. And so did we, as me and Dodo exchanged glances.

Do we need a reason to be good? That day, it differentiated us. The pure and the corrupt. I envied him. Though it was a very usual incident, I still remember it. I could just wish, I had such a heart.